THE LAST TIME TOUR PART 2

MITCH ROBINSON

New Lions recruit and former Blue Mitch Robinson told new team mates that he and Carlton teammates saw Brisbane as a walkover in the past. In turn the Lions have told Robinson that they had perceived him as an A grade knob.

 DOOMSDAY PREPPER

I like to make rash, knee jerk reactions with little or no facts, information or reason behind them. When there was talk of the Y2K bug crashing all technology on New Year’s Eve 1999 I sold all my possessions, quit my job and built a very amateur bomb shelter out of discarded pallets in a vacant lot behind my local Tuckerbag supermarket. Needless to say, when I awoke in the morning partially sunburnt from the less than adequate protection that a CHEP teepee provides, and found that the rapture had not occurred I was a little flat.

GETTING THE JOB DONE

Like a chronic masturbator without fingers, the Bombers took a couple of hours to achieve what they set out to do.

COLLINGWOOD WOES

Speaking of the Pies they went down to an imposing Crows side, or as the lyrical poet Dwayne Russell called them “scary good”. Collingwood battled hard but skill errors killed them, Pies supporters shouldn’t get to down though, if you added a fullback, centre half back, inside midfielder, senior ruckman and second power forward they would challenging for the 8.

 INJURIES

Roos utility Jack Ziebell suffered bruised lungs and was in a bad way, I feel Jacks pain, I played in a stinking hot preseason game years ago and wanting to be sun smart wore my Australian Open flap hat. My physical nightmare began when an opposition player grabbed my flap, which resulted in a kinked neck that put me out for the year.

LION’S FORWARD WOES

The Tigers smashed the Lions at the GABBA and its painfully clear Brisbane don’t have any tall targets that can take a mark. At the moment they could have a tyrannosaurus rex at full forward, its attack on the ball would be great but its tiny misshapen arms would make it hard to grasp the footy and the ball drop would be Levi Casboult like.

DISTURBING IMAGES

Over in the west the Derby between the Eagles and the Dockers was for the most part a one sided affair, the game was effectively over at quarter time when Fremantle lead by 52 points. Nothing the Eagles did seemed to make a difference and were comprehensively beaten to the ball. They were made to resemble a motionless female mannequin that I once found in a skip bin, that I DID NOT take home and clean in the bath, gently sponge washing her smooth plastic armless torso to the soothing sounds of “Chill Out Sessions” Volume 3, accompanied by scented candles.

 MEDIA

LINGY: “I reckon the Hawks ball use by foot is the best in the league.”

DUCK: “You have red hair so your opinions on anything other than sun cream have no value.”

To which Bruce would hastily reveal Dennis’s favourite movie is “No Retreat, No Surrender.”

DUSTIN FLETCHER

There was an awkward moment recently between Dustin Fletcher and myself, during the summer I ran into Fletch while he was having lunch I commented on his elaborate leg tattoo, he angrily muttered something about it being varicose veins and told me to get out of his house immediately before he called the police, not a lot of fan engagement there.

MICK MALTHOUSE

My fondest memories of Malthouse are as a 24 year old when I sent around a video of my dominating performances to the then 16 AFL coaches in a hope of being drafted as a mature age recruit. As the weeks went by I became more and more despondent and disillusioned that I had received no feedback at all, seemingly crushing my dream of playing in the big time. Then I received a lovely hand written letter from Mick himself letting me know I was unsuccessful this time around, because of his old school cursive style and superior vocabulary I was unable to fully understand most of the letter, although the words recalcitrant, maladroit and dullard were mentioned more than once. He signed off his letter to me with “never give up”, although the word never was missing.

 AFL IN NZ

Carlton got their first win of the season over the Saints at one of Aussie Rules traditional strongholds in New Zealand, as an early Australian ad made famous the saying “football, meat pies, kangaroos and Holden cars”, in the land of the long white cloud they had their own jingle. “Football, fush and chups, permissive sheep and Massey Ferguson tractors”. The atmosphere at the ground was electric for the dozen or so people who were coerced in to entering the ground, when they realised that Dave Dobbyn would not be performing they were initially angry but as the game went on they were only mildly annoyed, one attendee was even overheard saying it was slightly better than being sodomised with a rusty pipe.

 SAM MITCHELL

Sam Mitchell was fined $1000 for “corking” Nate Fyfe’s thigh, this comes after a similar incident involving Crows captain Tex Walker. More footage emerged of Mitchell making similar contact to GWS high priced back flanker Ryan Griffen, many fans of the game believed that Mitchell should be rubbed out for deliberately kneeing an opponent. What these people don’t understand how skillful the champion midfielder is to be able to cork a player off either knee, with just a shimmy of the hips the diminutive midfielder can fell a foe of just one step. If you weren’t to know you couldn’t tell which is his preferred knee, lack of speed is made up by quickness of the mind and swiftness of the hip flexor.

TOBY GREEN

 If Toby Green was born in England 250 years ago he would be a filthy street urchin pick-pocketing unaware strangers of their personal possessions. Fast forward to present times and Green is on the same social standing as his thieving cockney cousin. Spitting at or towards an opponent on the footy field is on par with kicking a rival, eye gouging or drunkenly texting offensive selfies to the captain/coach’s wife.

I was once spat at by an opposition supporter while I was standing near the interchange area about to enter the playing arena, what possesses a mild mannered grandmother to hurl not only foul mouthed personal abuse but saliva at another human being? It turns out drilling a torpedo punt at her unsuspecting grandson in the warm-up.