THE LAST TIME PART 4

DANE SWAN

In many ways I was the early prototype of the Dane Swann the “pure footballer”, I had the shuffling duck style waddle, although that was caused by severe weekly chaffing that still affects me to this day. I also perfected the high floater kick into the forward line that dislocated many a finger.

 MALTHOUSE AGAIN…

Mick Malthouse said on Adelaide radio this week that he would be open to the idea of coaching the Crows if they made contact with him. There is more chance of a TV network airing my as yet unseen documentary “Luff and Other Catastrophes” the untold story of Troy Luff. Mick should find the nearest Men’s Shed and start making rocking horses for underprivileged children that are unfortunate enough to be given rocking horses.

GRANT DENYER

I never thought I would find a small person more irritating than Grant Denyer, but Channel 10 have made a show featuring dozens of them and have got the nations favourite Monster Truck driver to host it. Now I’m not saying the kids in Spelling Bee are overbearing show offs whose parents have used them as an academic experiment to over compensate for their own inadequacies. I would never accuse the precocious youngsters of being lucky that they are mentally gifted because many of them are socially dysfunctional and being unable to see the irony in later years if ever asked to spell “involuntary celibacy.”

PORT ADELAIDE

Port Adelaide have marked the AFL’s multicultural round by having the players’ names printed in Chinese on the back of their Guernsey. It reminds me of people who get inspirational quotes tattooed on them in a foreign language, even though they can’t read it, they choose to believe that it says “Change your thoughts and you change the world.” When it actually says “Symptoms include explosive diarrhoea.” It would be good if the Chinese interpreter had a sense of humour and put on Angus Monfries jumper “Flog who stages for free kicks.” Or Justin Westoff’s “Looks like the dad from Family Ties.”

 HIRD CONFUSED

After a heavy flogging from the exciting Western Bulldogs, Bombers coach James Hird admitted he didn’t see the extent of the defeat coming. When quizzed further Hird also revealed he was surprised to hear Caitlyn Jenner was once a man and that Bill Cosby’s TV pilot “Drugged Women Say the Darnedest Things” didn’t get picked up by any networks.

COACHING

My coaching career was cut short when filling in for a mate who coached his sons Auskick side. The day started off so positively when I broke the ice with my group of warriors by promising to buy them all puppies if we won the game. Our best player was missing for this game so I devised a more defensive game plan in her absence, we would block it up, make it very congested and steer away from free flowing play. I was then reminded by one of my assistants that this was Auskick and there was no flow and each game consisted of a rolling maul interspersed with an occasional up and under kick, sometimes in the wrong direction. In the end we won the game even though they said they weren’t keeping score, I couldn’t afford 23 puppies so I brought a box of baby rats to the next game. I was roughly escorted from the ground.

ASADA

The Essendon supplement scandal won’t go away, much of the week’s papers have been focused on leaked information about the ASADA investigation with one comment from an unnamed player saying it felt like cement being injected into his backside on one occasion. I think it’s a pretty stupid analogy to use unless it’s actually happened to you. I know what that feeling is like, mischievous teammates injected cement in to my buttock on an end of season trip away, what dreams I had playing at a higher level died in that Fyshwick massage parlor.

The Bombers weren’t the only club to be mentioned in supplement stories, The Dees, it was also alleged had sought the services of Dank. If ever there was a clear example of the dangers of experimental supplement administration we should look no further than the performance of Melbourne in that time. I would cut Jack Watts more slack if I had known his arse had become a 40kg bag of concrete.

SLEDGING

Sledging, there is no better way to put off an opposition player kicking for goal. It never worked against me mind you, being able to block out all distractions and focus on dragging my team over the line was just one of my strengths. Also never having a wife/girlfriend/significant other made the quip redundant, jokes on them.

GRAND FINAL BBQ’S

Half time is usually kick to kick time, this is a great opportunity to showcase your pack marking ability. Tell everyone within earshot that your knees are stuffed and you will just watch, then when someone pops one up, launch yourself at the pack of children and flat footed drunks. If anyone is injured in the aftermath, mention Tom Lonergan lost a kidney and still plays the game. If they look genuinely hurt, lacerated kidney, broken ribs etc, praise their courage. If they are unconscious or bleeding from the ears, suggest the responsible thing to do would be to move them away from the kick to kick area as they could be a trip hazard.

 THE TLR FOOTY TRIP

I sent out a text for the group to meet out the front of the post office at 5.50am for a 6am start, no exceptions. Unfortunately I slept in and having accommodation and the group’s spending money with me the boys had to cool their jets till 8.30.

To save time on our trip, I had cleverly rigged up a small length of garden hose and fed it through the seal in the bus door, allowing everyone to relieve themselves without the need to stop every five minutes. I decided to test it out first, it was working a treat for about 20 seconds until I realised that the bus door must have kinked the hose, causing its contents to return to the top and spill all over the stairwell For the next couple of hours things settled down a bit, the pungent stench of my urine seemed to have a calming effect on the group.

99 PROBLEMS

I think it was American rapper Jay Z who said "It's 99% mental, 1% physical, never a truer phrase has been said, except it's not really correct and he didn't actual say that. I think his song focused on his troubles with the law whilst bragging about the amount of female company he kept.

My point is, Mr Z knows as much about elite Aussie Rules players as the surviving member of Kris Kross or Damian Barrett. If all it took was a strong mind, Steven Hawking would be rolling down the member’s wing of the MCG defying motionless limbs to put the footy lace out to a hard leading Bill Gates.

I once forgot my lucky undies before a Grand Final, I asked our strapper Lenny to go and pick them up from his wife's bedside drawer. The whole team thought that it was hilarious, unfortunately Lenny did not and I missed the Big Dance due to ingesting a tube of Deep Heat.

ANZAC DAY

The Bombers got some rare negative publicity recently when cheer squad member Mark Robinson compared the plight of Essendon to Fitzroy in its last days as a stand-alone club. Then they copped another whack when it was mooted they should miss out on this year’s ANZAC day clash. Brendon Goddard ditched his usual sunny persona and told of his hurt at the idea, I agree with B.J, what shows the ANZAC spirit better than a cobbled together group of cockeyed optimists, with little chance of victory, whose superiors have led them into a hopeless position.

KICK TO KICK

Channel 10's Mark "Howie" Howard made news this week when he received a text from Sam Mitchell to come for a kick in the park. Unfortunately for Howie, Mitchell meant to text young teammate Daniel "Howie" Howe. It was reminiscent of the time I received a text from a former teammate who asked me to help "polish his undercarriage". I quickly realised he must have meant to send the text to his mechanic. Although I still don't know how or why he was going to get his car in the male toilets at the camping reserve?

 MATCH ENTERTAINMENT

The Tigers are bringing a fresh new musical talent in Daryl Braithwaite to their match day experience. In the season opener Braithwaite will sing his iconic sing-along "Horses" and at each quarter, 4 horses will do a lap of the MCG whist the crowd belt out the classic. It reminded me of a time when the club employed the services of the late great Ricky May to sing "What a Wonderful World" at halftime. I then accidentally released three of my best polecat ferrets on to the ground which resulted in several Auskickers needing tetanus shots and Rick May tearing his hamstring off the bone while running from my prized ferret, Ferret Bueller. Suffice to say Ricky was a no-show on “Hey Hey It’s Saturday” later that night

Is Richmond's Shaun Hampson the premier ruckman in the AFL? The short answer is no but dig a little deeper and the answer is still no. With the injury to Ivan Maric, the Tigers have thrown support and selected statistical data behind a bloke, whose main attribute he brings to the club is Megan Gale.

FOOTY POLITICS

Throughout my career I was renowned for my "elite numbers" when it came to buying the coach a beer straight after a game and reminding him of costly turnovers some of my teammates had made. This usually worked in my favour till about round three, where I then had to gradually start a player revolt against the coach to keep my place in the side. I didn't need a beautiful woman to accompany me to club functions in order for me to get a place on the team, meticulously compiling a blackmail list of the team selectors was much easier. 

 LOVE YOURSELF

Fat shaming does nothing for a person’s self-esteem and it says more about the person pointing the finger than the compulsive eater. Before you call me a hypocrite, I am the first to admit I have struggled with my weight for years. At one point I purchased one of Oprah Winfrey's weight loss books, her main point was that you had to love yourself, I tried that but it didn't seem to burn enough calories and when I did it in the park all I got was pepper sprayed.