The Darker Side Of AFL

The great American sports motivator Jackie Moon once said; "Everybody love everybody." Unfortunately in the harsh world of AFL footy that mantra isn't always the case. The last few weeks while enjoying the sun, sights and relaxed firearms laws in Bali I have observed several incidents in the footy landscape.

Young Bulldogs midfielder Lin Jong was found to have met with Collingwood in the dead of night, and to plagiarise 1990's alternative rock band Cake, Jong was "touring the facilities".

There was news of a young AFL player being "catfished", at first I thought that term referenced having whiskers drawn on to your face in permanent marker whilst passed out the night before an important court appearance over a trumped up charge of "selling homemade candles at a rest stop without a permit." Once I was told of its correct meaning, it took me back to the time when nude pictures of yours truly were passed on to a German men's lifestyle magazine"Das Stange".  Only difference is that I had sent them and they promptly sent them back without publishing them or giving me my free "pound of Bratwurst" that was promised in the advertisement.

Brendon Goddard showed why he is known as one of the most driven and ruthless AFL players. On being told there was no way he could be any more hated by footy fans, BJ, who does more pointing than a Coles ad took it up a notch by alerting the AFL to investigate Travis Cloke's glove he played in against the Giant's. Poor old Trav couldn't take a mark at an Auskick clinic up until that game, finally clunked a few but ol Cone Head took what joy and confidence the Magpies spearhead had and disposed of it as carelessly as an Essendon players medical records.

Victorian police threatened club officials with jail time if they continued to use T-shirt cannons, if they really want to help here's a list of people to lock up:

Marketing geniuses who have introduced "match day experiences"; if I want to be deafened by loud music, listen to a knob with a microphone and epilepsy inducing flashing lights I will go to a Justin Bieber concert.

The Brian Taylor impersonator who always seems to sit right behind you at the footy and commentate on the game loudly using each players nickname. Hey Knackers, if you mention the word "Package" again you will end up in one, six foot under.

My protege Ty Vickery was in the news again recently with talk of a trade next year. Coach Hardwick weighed in with these comments.

"Six foot seven, six foot eight guys that can mark and kick goals don't grow on trees."

Exactly Dimma, how bout moving a few blokes on to get one of those players at Tigerland?

Steven Dank had a close call when shots were fired into his home, with a bullet grazing the side of his head. When the question was asked who would want to shoot Dank it became like The Simpsons episode "Who Shot Mr Burns?"

Mike Sheehan interviewed Mark Jackson on "Open Mike" and it was more awkward than the silence after anyone asks Robbo a football question that he can't answer with the word effort.

Boomer Harvey released his memoirs recently and had to quickly retract comments and apologise for discussing rumours and innuendo about Wayne Carey, the fact that it made national headlines and Boomer was forced to talk extensively about the book was pure coincidence.

Speaking of Boomer, the last week has focused rightly on the amazing effort to break the games played record held by Michael Tuck. For such a great player Harvey has had to deal with claims of selfishness from media and former players, poppycock I say, Boomer is the ultimate team player. The little master would never get involved in trashy commercial gimmicks to try and cash in and make it all about him. The club on the other hand are wringing this for all its worth. The 50 meter arcs have been dubbed 29 metre arcs, fantastic touch, the metric system hadn't been introduced when Harvey made his debut. Little know fact, distance was measured in sheaths of hay when Boomer started out. So when anyone asks, tell them a goal should be worth nine points if a player can kick a goal from outside 29 sheaths.

Boomer also threw a cat amongst the pigeons buy suggesting that along with the Blues and Dee's,  Richmond were guilty of tanking. Here is where I differ from Boomer, why would the Tigers tank to gain better draft picks? Some names to consider: Aaron Fiora, Richard Tambling, Cleve Hughes and Jarrad Oakley-Nichols.

Everybody love everybody.