BUCKS THE INTERVIEW

TLR: Welcome Bucks, do you mind if I call you Bucks?

 

BUCKS: I'd prefer Nathan

 

TLR: Bucks it was a very disappointing last week, pants pulled down, spanked, called a whiny little bitch and humiliated for two hours.

 

BUCKS: That's a bit dramatic, we were poor but it wasn't that bad.

 

TLR: No, that was my weekend, it's not all about you Nathan, geez no wonder they called you figjam.

 

BUCKS: Can we just focus on football?

 

TLR: I ask the questions here Ndog, you played one year at Brisbane then asked to be traded to Collingwood. Part of that trade deal was a first round pick that Brisbane used to pick up Chris Scott, after you left, Brisbane went on to win three straight premierships and be regarded as one of the greatest teams of all time. Chris Scott became a dual premiership player and as fate has it you were a part of two losing grand finals against the mighty Lions. Which leads me into my first question, your face resembles a foot, when you get a cold sore do you use heel balm to heal it?

 

BUCKS: (Stares at me for an uncomfortably long time) What the hell is this? Are you fair dinkum?

 

TLR: Sorry Bucks, thought I would break the ice with some witty banter to win you over. But let's get serious, it's the mid-nineties, your one of the best midfielders in the country, focused on footy so much it borders on obsession. Opposition supporters denounce you as an arrogant outside player and jeer you every time you run out onto a ground. But then you meet someone who loves Nathan Buckley the person, not the footballer, a person who makes you want to be a better man and softens that guarded exterior. Can you remember the first time you laid eyes on Eddie?

 

BUCKS: Have you got a mental disability?

 

TLR: Your lovely wife Tania made headlines once by wearing a dress that showed a glimpse of a diamond encrusted G-string, which I though provided a classy stripper vibe to the night. It inspired my date that year to our footy presentation night to do something similar, she used be dazzler on her underwear, that in turn caused severe scratching to her pelvic region. Suffice to say romance was not on the agenda, although the odds of Cheryl our canteen lady being up for a taste of TLR action so soon after a hip replacement were slim. Does Tania still have the outfit?

 

BUCKS: (Looking increasingly annoyed) No.

 

TLR: You have lived up to the cashed up bogan stereotype by calling your sons Jet and Ace, if you have a third will you call him NutriBullet?

 

BUCKS: If you don't start asking footy related questions this will be over.

 

TLR: Yep sure, fair enough, your autobiography "All I Can Be".

 

BUCKS: Did you like it?

 

TLR: No, I haven't read it. But the title reminded me of The Simpsons episode where Millhouse's dad records a song; "Can I Borrow a Feeling"

 

BUCKS: (Stands up to leave)

 

TLR: Ok ok last week Travis Cloke came into the side and although he tried hard, still struggled to play to his potential.

 

BUCKS: Yep Trav's lacking confidence.

 

TLR: Have you ever thought of handing out a coach's award after the game to him? Focus on one positive act to boost his confidence. At my old club I would go games without touching the ball but every now and then I would win the coach's award which was a club towel and it would be the shot in the arm I needed. Don't tell me a towel with a magpie embroidered on it wouldn't lift big Trav's spirits?

 

BUCKS: (Smirks) I will see if we can spare a few towels.

 

TLR: I think it will help, the big clash, Queens Birthday weekend. A time when all Australians pause and remember Freddie Mercury.

 

BUCKS: Ahh it's celebrating Queen Elizabeth's birthday.

 

TLR: Ohhh, that's not nearly as important, but following on from that, who's your favourite Royal? I'm guessing you’re a Princess Leia fan?

 

BUCKS: You've got one more question then I'm out of here.

 

TLR: Ok, are you any relation to former Sale of the Century hostess Nicky Buckley? I'd like to take her on in the fast money round if you know what I mean?

 

BUCKS: I have no idea what you mean.

 

TLR: Yeah I know, I panicked I thought a reference to what's behind the celebrity head might be going too far.

 

BUCKS: You have problems, this is over.