Umpires Are Cool

If someone had told me last week there was a Brownlow medallist earning money by making people coffee, I would have said "good on Shane Woewodin for making something of his life." So imagine my surprise when I heard Jobe Watson was working as a barista in New York. It's a smart move by Watson, I once took a year off footy when I was accused of embezzling monies from the clubs retired players providence fund. I denied it, hearsay and conjecture was my go to answer when quizzed. Unfortunately evidence is taken more seriously in a court of law.

Baristas weren't an occupation at that time so I cleared my head by becoming a "pig fluffer" at a local piggery. The manager paid me the ultimate compliment by saying I had the wrist of an artist; if you believe preparing a pig to ejaculate is art.

Umpires started to clamp down on deliberate rushed behinds last week, with some Coaches apparently missing the memo. Under siege Lions Coach Justin Leppitsch and Dee's boss Paul Roos told journos that they hadn't seen the email. To be fair a lot of things aren't getting to the Lions head coach.  Leppa can't access his emails, his keys to his office have been changed and his private car park is now used to store a skip bin. While Paul Roos stands by his old fashioned defence first mentality, doesn't have computer and prefers to receive news via carrier Pidgeon.

Tom Jonas received a six week suspension for what was clearly a missed timed spoil; if you’re an out of touch, bitter former player. Graham Cornes believed if you watch the incident in real time you can see that. I'm reluctant to take advice from a man who looks like an antique leather armchair. But I did and it still looked like a cheap shot. It's too easy for former players to have a crack at commentators because they didn't play at the elite level. Each time I'm with a lady, they are only too willing to provide me with negative feedback. The majority are professionals but I still take on board everyone's critique.

North Melbourne youngster Kane Turner was charged with high range D.U.I, teammate Lindsay Thomas told media; "He's let the playing group down. I think he would've been back in a couple of weeks," Thomas said after he got back from 2 weeks suspension.

Herald Sun provided inside access to umpires before during and after the Pies v Cats game. Umpires assistant coach Michael Jennings at one point enthusiastically says "here comes our team"

Onlookers instinctively look to the player’s race before realising the umpires are walking out. You can hear a pin drop. If disappointment had a sound that would be it.

"People dehumanise us in some ways." Umpire Ben Ryan tells us. Well Ben, how about coaching boundary umpires to act like humans. Each time they bring back the footy to the centre after a goal we witness a high stepping effeminate whistle blower who then in a mechanical action gives a two handed flick toss to the central umpire. This doesn't help your claim that you are one of us.