AFL Grand Final is a great day for all Australians, although don’t get fooled into hosting a Grand Final party, its a thankless task that leaves you tired, emotional and spending the next day cleaning up. Instead invite yourself to a gathering and enjoy all the spoils and excitement that the day brings.


Make sure when you make your entrance everyone can see the strain of the weight of your esky, jokes on them, it’s full of ice and nothing more. Put it next to others and you should have free drinks for the day.


Have a handball with a couple of kids, it makes a good first impression that will help if you get caught stealing other people’s beer.


Dazzle guests with your footy knowledge, this means reading The Herald Sun before you get there and saying things like, “The Weagles Web can be countered by controlling the ball through the mid field and precise kicking into the forward line”. And, “Did you know Shoenmakers is Dutch for, is beaten one on one while playing back?”


Make a few gags about Basil Zemplis and Luke Darcy doing the morning shift on channel 7, not good enough for the “main dance”


Use the phrase “main dance” regularly when referring to the Grand Final.


Offer to cook the bacon and eggs for the brunch, the host will refuse the first time, leave it at that.


Feighn interest in “the women folks” conversation, complement stay at home mums. Subtly mention unruly kids can ruin this day and their behaviour reflects badly on their parents.


Make a pre game entertainment joke about Meatloaf- no one gets tired of those.


When Chris Issac comes on for the pre game entertainment, question out load why he hasn’t acted much since the movie “Copycat”? When some amateur David Stratton corrects you by telling everyone Harry Connick Junior was in Copycat, ask them where the Hawks and Eagles played in the last GF? If the answer isn’t Waverley Park, laugh loudly and nudge others around you to join in.


Make a zinger about Bruce McAvaney’s disturbing attraction to Cyril Rioli.


When the teams run out make sure your sitting front and centre for “The Big Dance”.


If anyone questions your right to be there, tell them to show some respect and shut up while the national anthem is on.


While the national anthem is is on, see if you can get a first goal kicker/Norm Smith medalist Calcutta going.


The first time the umpire pays a free kick yell out, “He’s been doing it all day ump.” Guaranteed laughs.


The first time one of the children walks in front of the TV, in a humorous tone asks “who owns that kid?”, then turn around and in a more serious tone repeat the question.


You’ll need to pee a lot during the day, the first time ask the host the location of the bathroom and use it. After that wander off behind the shed, if near by kids spook you, head out the front to see in the next six hours if you can kill the neighbours Mop Top tree that hasn’t been trimmed since Mop Tops were popular.


Half time is usually kick to kick time, this is a great opportunity to showcase your pack marking ability. Tell everyone within earshot that your knees are stuffed and you will just watch, then when someone pops one up, launch yourself at the pack of children and flat footed drunks. If anyone is injured in the aftermath, mention Tom Lonegan lost a kidney and still plays the game. If they look genuinely hurt, lacerated kidney, broken ribs etc, praise their courage. If they are unconscious or bleeding from the ears, suggest the responsible thing to do would be to move them away from the kick to kick area as they could be a trip hazard.


After half time refer to the third quarter as the “Premiership Quarter”.


Regain your prime viewing position, this may mean telling the person who has taken it an uncomfortable story about yourself. One that works for me is my obsession with riding dodgem cars….alone….for hours….as an adult, that will usually move them along.


While Wayne Carey is speaking, float your long held theory that Mick Martin was ultimately responsible for the Carey/Stevens affair.


No matter what the margin, loudly tell everyone if the trailing team can kick a goal in the last 30 seconds before 3 quarter time, it’s “game on”.


At three quarter time visit the Mop Top, when the neighbour angrily bangs on his bay window and mouths “stop pissing in my garden you filthy animal”. At this point, turkey slap the near by garden gnome that bears a striking resemblance to Kevin Bartlett.


Head inside, the cupboard above the fridge is where most people hide their hard liquor. Bring the biggest bottle outside to the group, when the host informs you it’s a $400 bottle he’s been saving for the birth of his first son, tell him not be a “tight arse” and “I didn’t bring a jumbo bottle of Coke for the kids” that you’ll need to drown out the charred oak and fruity flavours of the single malt your about to chug.


Once the final siren sounds grab a bucket of icy water and in Super Bowl style tip it on the head of the least aggressive person seated.


At this point you will be asked to leave, thank the hosts for their hospitality and mention you need to go inside to get your Fedora hat that looked good before you left home but has caused you nothing but cruel and as yet unproven jibes about the functionality of your manhood. While inside help yourself to the commemorative plate featuring Carlton’s glamour boy of the 80’s Tommy Alvin.


While walking home, loudly sing the victorious teams song in you Kermit the frog impersonation.


- The Lone Ruckman