I never thought I would find a small person more irritating than Grant Denyer, but Channel 10 have made a show featuring dozens of them and have got the nations favourite Monster Truck driver to host it. Now I’m not saying the kids in Spelling Bee are overbearing show offs whose parents have used them as an academic experiment to over compensate for their own inadequacies. I would never accuse the precocious youngsters of being lucky that they are mentally gifted because many of them are socially dysfunctional and being unable to see the irony in later years if ever asked to spell “involuntary celibacy.”

Port Adelaide have marked the AFL’s multicultural round by having the players’ names printed in Chinese on the back of their Guernseys. It reminds me of people who get inspirational quotes tattooed on them in a foreign language, even though they can’t read it, they choose to believe that it says “Change your thoughts and you change the world.” When it actually says “Symptoms include explosive diarrhoea.” It would be good if the Chinese interpreter had a sense of humour and put on Angus Monfries jumper “Flog who stages for free kicks.” Or Justin Westoff’s “Looks like the dad from Family Ties.”

Justin Westoff in a relaxed moment

After a heavy flogging from the exciting Western Bulldogs, Bombers coach James Hird admitted he didn’t see the extent of the defeat coming. When quizzed further Hird also revealed he was surprised to hear Caitlyn Jenner was once a man and that Bill Cosby’s TV pilot “Drugged Women Say The Darnedest Things” didn’t get picked up by any networks.

Hird has also decided to mix things up and take legal action against his insurance company for not covering his legal costs in his last failed legal campaign, when asked for a comment the only thing James would say was “you’ll have to speak to Tania”. You have to wonder who will cover Hird’s legal fees should he sue Essendon if they decide to end his coaching career?

My coaching career was cut short when filling in for a mate who coached his sons Auskick side. The day started off so positively when I broke the ice with my group of warriors by promising to buy them all puppies if we won the game. Our best player was missing for this game so I devised a more defensive game plan in her absence, we would block it up, make it very congested and steer away from free flowing play. I was then reminded by one of my assistants that this was Auskick and there was no flow and each game consisted of a rolling maul interspersed with an occasional up and under kick, sometimes in the wrong direction. In the end we won the game even though they said they weren’t keeping score, I couldn’t afford 23 dogs so I brought a box of baby rats to the next game and was told to leave.

Man's Best Friend

Man's Best Friend

- The Lone Ruckman