ROUND 2 ROUNDUP

Like a chronic masturbator without fingers, the Bombers took a couple of hours to achieve what they set out to do, Essendon caused the upset of the season so far by defeating the reigning premiers by 2 points. The Hawks had a couple out and Frawley went down early but they were outmuscled from the start, spiritual leader Matt Spangher needs to be in this side if only for his glorious greasy locks.

The Dockers made it two wins from two by comfortably accounting for Geelong and consigning the Cats to the bottom of the ladder, Dockers young gun Nate Fyfe had a blinder and is now the Brownlow medal favourite.

The Kangaroos do what they do best and glossed over a week of criticism by flogging an undermanned weaker opponent. The Lions were missing regular full back Sauce Merritt and it cost them as former Blue Jarred Waite kicked a bag.

Port Adelaide’s timing is off at the moment, not only were they suffocated by a manic Sydney side, but they decided to bring out the Farris Brothers for a rendition of “Never Tear Us Apart” 45 seconds before the opening bounce. Here’s a thought Kochie, how about playing the song about 4 minutes before the start so the brothers aren’t ushered off the ground by an overzealous goal umpire. Although they may have provided more of a contest than Jay Shultz.

Great news for footy as the Saints got their first win of the year when they beat the Suns on the Gold Coast, Rocket Eade maybe wondering why he left a well paid administration role with Collingwood to coach a team that haven’t been able to beat two clubs who have a mad Monday when they win the toss.

Speaking of the Pies they went down to an imposing Crows side, or as the lyrical poet Dwayne Russell called them “scary good”. Collingwood battled hard but skill errors killed them, Pies supporters shouldn’t get to down though, if you added a fullback, centre half back, inside midfielder, senior ruckman and second power forward they would challenging for the 8.

The young Bulldogs side had a great win against the Tigers and there is hope for their long suffering supporters that they have some real top end talent that may propel them up the ladder. The Tigers fell back into old habits by falling to a side they should beat, a Tigers supporter needs to be a hardy sole who can go from extreme highs where they have more self-confidence than Kanye West one week and then a week later want to choke themselves with a urinal cake.

The Demons got back to what they do best, disappointing the few hardy fans that they do have. The Giants were dominant after half time kicking goals at will, Melbourne on the other hand did their best impression of the slack jaw teenagers who are in charge of the bag of footy’s behind the goal posts.

On Friday night Carlton champ Chris Judd wound back the clock by racking up 12 possessions in the first quarter, the Blues were hoping while Juddy was in his time warp he could bring back his midfield mates Kerr and Cousins, unfortunately both were seen riding the dog from “The Never Ending Story” and couldn’t make it. The Eagles were dominant throughout the game with Josh Kennedy kicking 10. Blues full forward Levi Casboult was not as efficient with a kicking style reminiscent of the kid that only goes to footy training on pie night. Former Geelong captain Cameron Ling repeatedly stated if young Levi could fix up his kicking he would be a good AFL player, great insight Lingy, lucky kicking is only a minor part of a full forwards skill set.