I like to make rash, knee jerk reactions with little or no facts, information or reason behind them. When there was talk of the Y2K bug crashing all technology on New Year’s Eve 1999 I sold all my possessions, quit my job and built a very amateur bomb shelter out of discarded pallets in a vacant lot behind my local Tuckerbag supermarket. Needless to say, when I awoke in the morning partially sunburnt from the less than adequate protection that a CHEP teepee provides, and found that the rapture had not occurred I was a little flat. No more so than when I invested heavily in a company that manufactured genuine White Rhino horn quills. Not only did I find out later that it’s frowned upon (frowned upon also meaning highly illegal) to fund poachers to hunt seriously endangered species, but nobody uses quills anymore.

So with the first round of the AFL completed, why not lose perspective and make some big calls on the fortunes of each club after one game.


CARLTON: Won’t make the 8, will struggle to win a game this season and Malthouse will be sacked by round 12. After moving on dangerous forwards Josh Kennedy and Jarred Waite and Eddie Betts there’s every chance Liam Jones will play 300 games for the Blues.


RICHMOND: The Tigers will finish top 4 and win multiple finals, impressive first gamer Kamdyn McIntosh will win the rising star award as well as the Brownlow.


MELBOURNE: Can win the premiership, the years of sorrow are over and there are only blue sky’s ahead. Have unlocked the mystery of winning football games by quick ball movement and kicking goals.


GOLDCOAST: No Brandon Matera, no Gold Coast, the Suns are over hyped and will struggle to make the 8.


SYDNEY: For 3 quarters the Swans looked like a submissive, mouth gagged and taking constant paddling but before they could gasp the safety word “cinnamon” Tippett and Franklin kicked goals to snatch a victory less likely than a coherent statement from Danny Frawley.


ESSENDON: After a couple of years where the club has been to hell and back, the Bombers came to Sydney, were brave, passionate but ran out of puff because their administration were derelict in their duty and caused players to miss pre-season games.


BRISBANE: Fought back bravely but needs someone tall enough to go on a ride at dreamworld to start kicking goals to be a force this year.


COLLINGWOOD: Eddie was right, the Pies can win the flag, and all it needs is Travis Cloke to improve his goal kicking percentage from 14% to 88% and play bottom 4 teams for the next 22 weeks.


BULLDOGS: Put aside off season turmoil to start the season off in style, should make the 8 this season as long as no one tags Bontempelli and their opposition suffer a season ending injury early in each game.


WEST COAST: Won’t win a game outside the Western Australia this year, have lost their 3 best key backmen already this season and Sharrod Wellingham is only one more trampoline accident away from retirement.


ST KILDA: Won’t win a game this year……nothing funny to add.


GWS: Will be the next power side coming through, Jeremy Cameron looks like he can win the Coleman and Heath Shaw runs like he has soiled himself.


ADELAIDE: Looked like a top two side with big Tex kicking 6 goals and Dangerfield causing Cats fans feel funny in their special place.


NORTH MELBOURNE: Not sure if you heard but the Kangaroos beat all of the top 4 during the home and away season last year. Way to highlight the fact that your club are pretenders.


FREMANTLE: Gutsy win in a great match, that see sawed throughout, if they can keep the game on their terms, restrict the opposition to less than 100 points and prevent Colin Sylvia from devouring nearby teammates the flag is theirs.


PORT ADELAIDE: We keep hearing that the Power are the fittest side in the comp, that they are the team to challenge the Hawks, well if they believe the hype it will take more than a great P.R department to complete the Port Adelaide Cinderella story.


HAWTHORN: Three peat


GEELONG: I have been writing the Cats off for 5 or 6 years, one of these years I will be proven right. Cats to miss the eight.


*Foot Note: Before you start abusing me, after a few amber ales I once told Clive Waterhouse he looked like a feminine version of He-Man, he didn’t see the funny side and by the power of grey scull he showed more controlled aggression towards me in the next 30 seconds than he did in his entire career.



Clive Waterhouse

Clive Waterhouse