FOOTY REVIEW, THE LONE RUCKMAN WAY

I’m not sure about you, but whenever I watch a game with a mate or random stranger within a radius of three metres of myself I rarely agree with every comment that is made. For every “These blokes get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars, they should be able to kick on both feet.” Which you nod approvingly, you get a “Why don’t they make a rule if you kick backwards your club is banned from the draft for two years and fined $500,000?”

So it started to get on my nerves watching Friday night’s game between Collingwood and St Kilda when “special comments” men Wayne Carey and Cameron Ling agreed on everything. Both were captains of premiership teams, both have a great understanding of the game, but it’s not like their at a sleep over at a friend’s house where you portray yourself as the perfect guest who never causes any trouble. You can just picture Bruce looking on proudly as the Duck and Lingy agree that the damp conditions makes handling the ball tricky, I would rather one of them disagree with something seemingly set in stone.

I am a Kate Upton enthusiast

Roos utility Jack Ziebell suffered bruised lungs and was in a bad way, I feel Jacks pain, I played in a stinking hot preseason game years ago and wanting to be sun smart wore my Australian Open flap hat. My physical nightmare began when an opposition player grabbed my flap, which resulted in a kinked neck that put me out for the year.

The Tigers smashed the Lions at the GABBA and its painfully clear Brisbane don’t have any tall targets that can take a mark. At the moment they could have a tyrannosaurus rex at full forward, its attack on the ball would be great but its tiny misshapen arms would make it hard to grasp the footy and the ball drop would be a worry.

In Launceston the pre-game entertainment consisted of a grape stomping competition, the Tasmanian tourism board had earlier ignored my suggestion of on ground speed dating amongst immediate local family members.

For the clash between Geelong and Gold Coast it was Groundhog Day as Cats skipper Joel Selwood ended up with a shiner and a cut above the eye.

Over in the west the Derby between the Eagles and the Dockers was for the most part a one sided affair, the game was effectively over at quarter time when Fremantle lead by 52 points. Nothing the Eagles did seemed to make a difference and were comprehensively beaten to the ball. They were made to resemble a motionless female mannequin that I once found in a skip bin, that I DID NOT take home and clean in the bath, gently sponge washing her smooth plastic armless torso to the soothing sounds of “Chill Out Sessions” volume 3 and scented candles.

 

Enjoy the footy and be sure to pay your respects this ANZAC day for those who have fought, savour the things we take for granted because of their sacrifice.

LINGY: “I reckon the Hawks ball use by foot is the best in the league.”

DUCK: “You have red hair so your opinions on anything other than sun cream have no value.”

To which Bruce would hastily reveal Dennis’s favourite movie is “No Retreat, No Surrender.”

Speaking of the game, the Saints came out of the blocks like that kid at school who took off like a scolded cat on the first lap of the 800m race. As the premature show off rapidly extends his lead, it runs through everyone’s mind “shit I’m in trouble here”, that’s what most Pies supporters would have been thinking in the first twenty minutes. After that, as in that school athletics carnival, the front runner was run down and passed, their legs like jelly, slowly shuffling, lungs exploding, head thumping, the sound of the crowds cruel laughter ringing in my, I mean the brave youngster who dared to dream ears. The Magpies gained control and the margin would have been greater if not for wayward kicking from Travis Cloke. Pies fans have more confidence that the members of their cheer squad won’t misspell Swanny as Swarmy on their next neck tattoo than of Cloke being able to convert directly in front twenty five metres out.

On Saturday all the pressure was on Mick Malthouse and his Blues who have finally admitted that they need to rebuild, although former greats of the club have told the club to “stick fat” with the Carlton way and the answer is to sack the coach every couple of years and rort the salary cap.

Chris Yarran jumper punched Paul Chapman but failed to use any jumper. Veteran Bomber Dustin Fletcher is still going strong, I believe in his third year in the big league George Lucas brought out the classic Star Wars and decades later “Star Wars Episode VII The Force Awakens” much of the original cast is back. After watching the trailer I’m concerned that Han Solo has gotten a new side kick, Solo has obviously aged but Chewie looks as young and fresh as ever. Little known fact, Wookies like elderly Labradors go grey around the muzzle area.

Han and Chewy 2.png

There was an awkward moment recently between Fletcher and myself, during the summer I ran into Fletch while he was having lunch I commented on his elaborate leg tattoo, he angrily muttered something about it being varicose veins and told me to get out of his house immediately before he called the police, not a lot of fan engagement there.

In Adelaide Bernie Vince brought his saddle and rode Paddy Dangerfield around the Adelaide Oval for two hours. Jeff Garlett was happy to be flying to his destination after he lost his licence drink driving whilst his licence was suspended, the magistrate told Garlett he could have been handed a more severe sentence if he had been found with any Mitch Robinson in his possession.

Jack Watts had a hard time of it after dropping a couple of fairly easy marks, Crows players let Watts know they believe he had ducked his head and had heard footsteps. To be fair to Jack, due to financial difficulties he is used at training as the speccy bag for Jeremy Howe.

Adam Goodes took the rare step of going back to the NEAFL to gain some form, he was then given a pie and coke to run the water in the firsts.

Rhys Shaw told the media he was almost embarrassed he was playing in the ones while Goodes played reserves in a nearby park, perhaps Shaw should be embarrassed by his attack on the footy in dispute.

Isaac Heeney and Buddy Franklin formed a dangerous partnership up forward and a water boy gained another string to his bow by being handed Buddy’s mouth guard while the big number 23 celebrated with teammates after a goal. Only when the water boy tells the story years later to friends he is Buddy’s wingman, not the poor volunteer who has to hold a piece of plastic dripping with someone else’s saliva.

The Kangaroos and Port Adelaide game was hyped as a game between two fast paced teams and it was an attractive game. Speaking of attractive, during ad breaks I came across a commercial for a phone app game called “Game of War”, now I’m not interested in medieval fantasy, if I want to “roger a busty wench in the stables” I don’t need to get dressed in chain mesh and armour to do so. But I am interested in the lead character played by swimsuit model Kate Upton, I have become a Kate Upton enthusiast, I am thinking of starting up a club for like minded individuals.

I am a Kate Upton enthusiast

Roos utility Jack Ziebell suffered bruised lungs and was in a bad way, I feel Jacks pain, I played in a stinking hot preseason game years ago and wanting to be sun smart wore my Australian Open flap hat. My physical nightmare began when an opposition player grabbed my flap, which resulted in a kinked neck that put me out for the year.

The Tigers smashed the Lions at the GABBA and its painfully clear Brisbane don’t have any tall targets that can take a mark. At the moment they could have a tyrannosaurus rex at full forward, its attack on the ball would be great but its tiny misshapen arms would make it hard to grasp the footy and the ball drop would be a worry.

In Launceston the pre-game entertainment consisted of a grape stomping competition, the Tasmanian tourism board had earlier ignored my suggestion of on ground speed dating amongst immediate local family members.

For the clash between Geelong and Gold Coast it was Groundhog Day as Cats skipper Joel Selwood ended up with a shiner and a cut above the eye.

Over in the west the Derby between the Eagles and the Dockers was for the most part a one sided affair, the game was effectively over at quarter time when Fremantle lead by 52 points. Nothing the Eagles did seemed to make a difference and were comprehensively beaten to the ball. They were made to resemble a motionless female mannequin that I once found in a skip bin, that I DID NOT take home and clean in the bath, gently sponge washing her smooth plastic armless torso to the soothing sounds of “Chill Out Sessions” volume 3 and scented candles.

Enjoy the footy and be sure to pay your respects this ANZAC day for those who have fought, savour the things we take for granted because of their sacrifice.