In my quiet times away from the great game of Aussie Rules Football I like to relax, unwind and enjoy the things I sometimes take for granted. Some of my favourites include; long walks in the remote bushland tracking, stationary large punching bags crudely dressed as Steven Dank with only my bare hands and a high powered cross bow as protection.
Introducing and marketing my new range of oversized bonsai trees, extra-large miniature ponies and giant pot-bellied pigs.
Adding to my unpublished batch of poems that focus on former Bulldogs hard man Danny Southern
These things all fall by the wayside as round 1 is upon us, a summer of hope for your footy club will soon be revealed as achievable or less likely than Rage Against The Machine doing a cover of Aqua’s “Barbie Girl”.
BLUES v TIGERS
It was reported that Carlton coach Mick Malthouse said in the pre-season he was so optimistic about the Blues chances this year he went through the draw and struggled to see where they would be beaten. To be fair to Mick, he was miss quoted, his actual statement was. “I look through the draw and I struggle to see where we will be beaten by more than 6 goals.
Richmond by contrast have been rather low key throughout the summer, the Tigers are a lot like the crazy girlfriend you have had at one point in time. The type that you never know what you’re going to get from one day to the next, one minute she’s laughing hysterically, the next she’s threatening to separate your boys from their wrinkly purse because you complemented one of her friends on her parallel parking. That’s what Tiger fans endure each year, week to week is a roller coaster where most of the time they end up screaming like a banshee before throwing up in their mouth.
TIGERS BY 19
DEES v SUNS
This game throws up more questions than most; will Garry Ablett play?
How soon will the side take to play the Rocket Eade way?
Can Jessie Hogan play football?
Can the Demons improve their goal scoring ability?
If Melbourne lose will they start campaigning for a priority pick for next year’s draft?
SUNS BY 28
SWANS v BOMBERS
Great news for Essendon players as they were found not guilty of the supplements saga of the last few years, players gathered at a local pub and had a couple of soft drinks. Word has it the mood was spoiled when a former leg spinner for Australia was incessantly asking the group if they were thirsty.
The Swans look to be at full strength thanks to the availability of Buddy Franklin who was knocked out in a head clash with Garry Rohan. Club officials have said if it happens again they will break Rohan’s other leg, the only thing they want Buddy running into are parked cars.
SWANS BY 2
LIONS v MAGPIES
New Lions recruit and former Blue Mitch Robinson told new team mates that he and Carlton teammates saw Brisbane as a walkover in the past. In turn the Lions have told Robinson that they had perceived him as an A grade knob. The Magpies have been in the news this week after Lachie Keeffe and Josh Thomas tested positive to clenbuterol. Early reports have suggested the pair may have consumed the drug in contaminated beef they ate on a training camp in New Zealand. This doesn’t surprise me, I have said for years the drug culture in New Zealand cattle is out of hand and if something is not done now, junkie bovines will be stealing our plasmas in no time.
LIONS BY 22
BULLDOGS v EAGLES
New Dogs coach Luke Beveridge has stated the million dollar recruit Tom Boyd may have to take on other tasks whilst learning to be an AFL standard key forward, stints in the ruck have been mentioned but young Tom may have to arrange Luke Darcy’s leather gloves in order of deushieness to earn his pay packet in the early years.
BULLDOGS BY 16
SAINTS v GIANTS
I’m looking forward to this game as much as a ruptured testicle. The Saints are in for a long season and will have to be patient with their young talent learning their way.
The Giants were fined $10,000 for not providing up to date residency information for ASADA officials. You know you’re not very visible in the Sydney market when your own club don’t know where you live.
GIANTS BY 31
CROWS v KANGAROOS
Adelaide have been left behind by their near neighbour The Power in pre-game build up so Crows officials are willing to try new things to bring more excitement to the crowd. I’ve been asked to come in as a consultant and before the first bounce, the Adelaide Oval will see Rhesus Monkeys riding dogs. Nothing screams family fun more than strapping small disease ridden primates dressed as Cowboys to frightened Border Collies in front of thousands of screaming fans. Your move Power.
CROWS BY 2
DOCKERS v POWER
The Dockers have had an eventful summer where Colin Sylvia has been binge eating to store enough body fat before he hibernates for the winter. Ryan Crowley is suspended currently for a positive drug test last year while Aaron Sandilands has resorted to using an actual neck brace for his troublesome big toe.
Port are the most hyped team of the offseason and that’s without their president David Koch gloating like a load mouth parent about them each week. The Power have recruited former Brisbane coach/player/champ Michael Voss as “midfielder manager”, Voss was famous for his sledging and I’m hoping he sets his sights on Angus Monfries the next time he goes down with less physical contact than Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wedding night.
POWER BY 15
HAWKS v CATS
It’s hard to be critical of these two great modern rivals, one has a jumper even Darryl Sommers would baulk at wearing, and the other has a small domestic household pet as its mascot. These clubs don’t do much wrong…so better off to focus on how many times Bruce McAvaney states “You just get the feeling” or refers to Wayne Carey as “The Duck”.