CHIN UP DEES

News that number 2 pick Christian Pettracca has ruptured his ACL is just another sad tale for the AFL’s oldest club. The last 9 years have seemingly gone from bad to worse. The last time The Demons won the premiership was 1964, we were still using pounds shillings and pence. Beatle mania rang out as the Fab Four toured the country, while on a sadder note Larry Emdur was born.

But rather than focus on the doom and gloom let’s look at what Melbourne can be proud of and what they have up on the rest of the AFL.

Adelaide: Melbourne have openly courted future free agent Patrick Dangerfield offering big bucks. Sources close to Dangerfield have said there is a one in a million chance he will play for Melbourne, the Dees are thrilled their still in the game. Your move Crows.

Brisbane: Was able to offload former number 1 draft pick and serial under achiever Travis Johnson for pick 14, where they picked serial under achiever Jack Grimes.

Carlton: Traded ball magnet Brock McLean to Carlton in exchange for pick number 11 bench magnet Jordan Gysberts.

Collingwood: Traditional rivals, the Dees have been able to grab 50% of the huge attendance takings of each year’s Queens Birthday blockbuster while contributing 5% of the attendance.

Essendon: Former Dees Coach Mark Neeld has joined the Bombers coaching staff, Melbourne are hoping Neeld can bring similar results to Essendon.

Fremantle: The Dockers took unrestricted free agent Colin Sylvia off the Dees hands and showed for once it wasn’t a case of Melbourne not being able to develop prodigious talent but a case of Melbourne not being able to trade out wasted talent.

Geelong: While the Cats have recruited multiple Demon players; Jarrod Rivers, Mitch Clark and Sam Blease, Melbourne need only one name Clint Bizzall. Check mate Geelong.

Gold Coast: The Dees trump the Suns with team colours and mascot, Gold Coast look like the offspring if a Shell servo and a Maccas bumped uglies.

GWS: A few years ago Tom Scully turned his back on the Demons and moved to the Giants for an estimated million dollars per season where he has been invaluable to Leon Cameron in setting up the witches hats before training.

Hawthorn: Back in 1996 Melbourne members voted to merge with the Hawks who were bankrupt, luckily for the Dees Hawthorn members voted against it and the rest as they say is history. At least they don’t have to where brown and gold.

North Melbourne: Hard to find positives here, at least the Dees coach doesn’t have a doppelgänger coaching the Cats. No one can replicate the Paul Roos look of 80’s college guy.

Port Adelaide: The Dees haven’t resorted to using coloured tarps to cover the fact that there is a lot of empty seats while they are struggling. Instead using Jack Watt’s inability to play football as a distraction for the supporters from the scoreboard.

Richmond: The Tigers fortunes are turning, playing finals, huge membership and emerging stars lighting up the G. Melbourne don’t have any of that but possess a man who men want to be like and women want to be with…Lyndon Dunn, serial killer looks coupled with an Adam Fiora like on field presence.

St Kilda: Unlike the Saints the Dees have been able to steer clear of off field controversies over the last few years. Although the way Melbourne have been travelling they could have slaughtered a pod of baby Dolphins and the media wouldn’t run with it.

Sydney: Although the Dees supporters cop the stereotype of yuppies in Range Rovers travelling to ski holidays in the winter, at least they can’t be accused of being surprised that “the tall lad wearing number 23 isn’t too bad, where did we get him from?” Granted, apart from Jeremy Howe Melbourne have had less highlights than a Clive Palmer solo sex tape.

West Coast: The Dees managed to recruit Western Australian Allen Jakovich and while he may not have had quite the career as his brother Glen, the 47 games he played for the Dees were packed with excitement and plenty of goals. Jakovich equalled the great John Coleman in kicking 100 goals in his first 21 games. A great effort from a man who looked like a staffy with a mullet.

Western Bulldogs: The Dogs have been accused of a whisper campaign in the offseason that led to the demise of last year’s coach Brendan McCartney. The Dees wouldn’t stoop that low and have let their football do the talking to end several coaches’ careers.