The Grand Final has been done and won, congratulations to The Bulldogs. Now another season starts, a season that allows everyone of us who were cruelly denied playing at the highest level, due only to insufficient ability, dedication and in my case, continual open dialogue or "harassment" of AFL recruiters to be able to voice our opinions on the merits of each clubs trades and possible future ramifications.
If your after safe or plausible ideas of who could be on the trade table, then you best step away from this slowly and don't make eye contact because I am going to throw up some names that one senior club official has branded idiocy.
Adelaide: Josh Jenkins - Just signed a multi year contract on big money. Fans leapt to Josh's defence this year when he was criticised for getting too many cheap goals over the back. As they rightfully pointed out, they all count. The only problem is those type of goals are rare in finals and if your built like Tex Walker but play like Angus Monfries you need to step up to earn big coin.
Brisbane: Pearce Hanley - He's got a great kick I hear you say, that's terrific if you have a great team around you but the Lions have more chance of having that blow up Lion mouth entrance thing being listed by the national trust than providing Hanley enough outside ball to be of any use in the next three years.
Carlton: Dale Thomas - I thought he would have entered Fox Footy's "The Recruit" to be able to spend more time with his footy dad Mick Malthouse. Only problem is Daisy has slipped so far that unless each week's challenge was to kick mongrel torps at an angry old man he would have been booted out in week one.
Collingwood: Taylor Adams - The Pies seem desperate to pillage the Giants stock pile of young talent. Adam Treloar was great this year but Taylor Adams is only slightly better than Reece Palmer. By bringing in Levi Greenwood, Collingwood seem to be accumulating more B graders than a Channel Nine Christmas party.
Essendon: Brendan Goddard - I can babble on about movie scripts and Mr Burns type posture, but we all know what needs to be done.
Fremantle: Alex Silvagni - Even though he is the fourth greatest Silvagni to play in the history of this great game, reputation only gets you so far.
GWS: Heath Shaw - His pointing, yelling and demonstrative dealings with young team mates was seen as a great education for this fledging side. Unfortunately for Heath, most adults don't like being abused by a bloke who's eye balls are protruding like the Cookie Monster and jogs around like he shit his pants.
Geelong: Mark Blicavs - What a story, I hear about it every time Mark plays a game. Talented middle distance runner, could have made the Olympics, blah blah blah. I once came first in an egg and spoon race and if the IOC can pause long enough from taking bribes from oil rich desert nations and make that an Olympic sport I'll be off to the Republic of Azerbaijan in sixteen years.
Gold Coast: Trent McKenzie - He has a canon for a leg, if he was apart of the French Armada he would be tremendous value, problem is with professional sportyou need more than one string to your bow. Which was another reason I didn't make it, uncontested marks were my forte, during training.
Hawthorn: James Sicily - Basically a watered down version of Jeremy Howe, and that's saying something, if you watered down Howe anymore he would taste like XXXX Gold.
Melbourne: Tomas Bugg - Has kept the GWS swagger but doesn't contain the ability to back it up, the league has been crying out for another Kyle Reimers for a while now, your move Bombers.
North Melbourne: Andrew Swallow - When players are featured with massive fan posters, their name or an adjective is plastered down the side. Lance Franklin BUDDY!! Cyril Rioli DELICIOUS!! Andrew Swallow INOFFENSIVE!!
Port Adelaide: Chad Wingard - Mirrors the Power, inconsistent against poor opposition, yet fires against the top 8. Its not his fault that his club is still clinging to 2014 tighter than Bonnie Sveen (most popular new talent Logies 2014) but Chad needs to make sure he is not only remembered as the guy Luke Hodge almost decapitated.
Richmond: Trent Cotchin - Tough call but his aggressive hair line bothers me. Great captains have receding or no hair. Matthews, Carey or Harley, that last name was for my small but valued "people who read self help books" demographic.
St Kilda: Hugh Goddard - Besides the fact he has the Goddard gene, his birthdate correlates to the peak of Hugh Grant's career. Which means he was named after the foppish English actor of countless romantic comedies, he must go.
Sydney: Brandon Jack - The swans have agreed to be Brandon's foster parents, their not keeping him around for his footy ability. He's like Nugget Fisher the illegitimate son of Flathead and Marilyn who worked as a gardener at the caravan park in early Home and Away episodes.
West Coast Eagles: Mark Le Cras - Like most of the Eagles, looks like a million dollars when playing at Subiaco on a twilight game on a Sunday. Take them to the MCG and its like waking up in a foreign house in the middle of the night. There's a lot of flailing arms that end with pants down and humiliation.
Western Bulldogs: Tom Liberatore - Hear me out, Libba is a gun, but even Dog supporters would concede he's a lose canon. A player after my own heart, forgetting your boots on Grand Final day, classic TLR. I once forgot my lucky undies before a Grand Final, I asked our strapper Lenny to go and pick them up from his wife's bedside drawer. The whole team thought that it was hilarious, unfortunately Lenny did not and I missed the Big Dance due to ingesting a tube of Deep Heat.